Terms & Conditions
Hey there and welcome to Coffee Bureau. We realize you must be incredibly bored or possibly lost if you've found your way to our Terms & Conditions page, so we'll try to make this easy on you.
1. Who, Why, and What
Who: Coffee Bureau is maintained by Paul Haworth and Stephanie Haworth ("CB"), also referred to as "we," "us," or "Coffee Bureau." The person looking at our site is referred to as "you," "hey you," or "jerkface" (only if you've been a jerk).
Why: This Terms of Service agreement is like a contract, saying what we can and can't do to each other.
What: CB is a site all about coffee and how freakin' amazing it is. We don't make any money or "fat stacks" off of this site (yet), but when we do we'll make sure to update this page.
2. Bad Things You Cannot Do
We realize this stuff might be completely obvious, but like your parents who've told you a million times, "Don't play ball in the house!" we're going to tell you stuff you already know for our sake, your sake, and your mom's sake.
- Don't spam our comments or try to sell crap without our permission. This isn't craigslist.
- Don't give us viruses or try to hack into our site or Squarespace's system.
- Don't be a robot. Robots are evil; didn't you see Terminator 2?
- Don't be a jerkface. A jerkface is someone who hates, discriminates, defrauds, or generally throws shade in one direction or another. We will ban you.
- Don't post anything in our comments that is:
- Violent, sexually explicit, or pornographic (seriously, ew).
- A breach of someone else's privacy or you pretending to be someone else. Don't try to catfish anyone.
- Illegal (nothing stolen or copyrighted material that infringes on the rights of others).
- Slanderous or libelous. Don't be starting rumors.
If you follow the rules you can stay. If you don't, we can ban you or take you to court. Our failure to enforce against one person is not a waiver to enforce our rights at any time for the same or different offenses.
3. Intellectual Property
Don’t steal our stuff. By stuff, we mean the fantastic content, comments, pictures, graphics, videos, and sounds (altogether known as “Content”). Our Content is protected by tons of laws. For reals. This includes US Copyright Law (17 U.S.C.A Section § 107). This means don’t use it or think of using it if we didn’t give you permission to do so.
CB may allow you to post content. You agree you will only post in accordance to this Agreement, and agree to remain responsible for anything that you post. By posting your content you’re giving us the right to use that content via a license to use it how we please. Seriously, we can take your content and remix it, spin it, and even make money off of it without paying you a cent. We’ll send you an Edible Arrangement though, actually, no, probably not. This “license” is not revocable and goes on forever and ever and ever. But wait, there’s more. If anything bad happens because of something you post, you agree to pay us, our legal bills, or other bills that might result because of what you submit. Yay!
5. Are you going to sue us?
We have connections, we know lawyers who do law things. But we'd rather try to resolve any differences like gentlemen. So if there's an issue, you will first come to us and tell us about the problem. We'll try to talk it out, but if it doesn't get resolved we're going to court in the great state of Arizona, where disputes are resolved through 10-pace gunfights in front of saloons. Just kidding. We'll go to an actual courthouse like normal people and the dispute will be decided based on Arizona law. Oh, and the winner of any dispute or lawsuit is entitled to have their attorneys’ fees and costs paid for by the loser. Yay!
6. Third Party Sharing
Our site might have links to third party websites that we have no control over, such as Twitter, Facebook, Squarespace, and Instagram. We have no responsibility over their content (unless they want to give us free shares) and so you will have to take up any problems you have with those sites with their owners. Leave us out of it.
7. Too Bad, So Sad
THIS SECTION ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE WRITTEN IN CAPSLOCK SO WE'RE FOLLOWING SUIT, EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE JUST YELLING AT YOU. WE'RE NOT MAD THOUGH, THINK OF THIS LIKE WHEN YOUR GRANDMA TRIES TO SEND YOU AN EMAIL AND HAS THE CAPSLOCK ON AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. NOW, WE CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT OUR SITE WON'T BREAK YOUR COMPUTER OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU OWN. YOU'RE AGREEING TO USE IT "AS IS." IF SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND CATASTROPHIC HAPPENS BECAUSE YOU VIEWED OUR SITE, YOU CAN’T SUE US, OR ANYONE THAT IS CONNECTED WITH US.
8. Other Stuff
If you're from a foreign country, hello, guten morgen, bonjour, kon'nichiwa! We’re going to be transferring your information from our country to yours, so you’re okay with us transferring this information by virtue of having visited and used our site. We can also transfer or change our rights and obligations in this agreement whenever we want. Also, if we cut someone some slack for not following the rules, we're just being nice and it doesn't mean that we'll do the same for you or anyone else.